The other day, my son and I were building a tower out
of blocks. It was fun to begin with but as the tower soar higher and higher it
began to tumble and ultimately collapsed. My son was devastated. Cried and
whined a lot. Nothing helped to console him. From that incident, he hesitated in
playing with blocks with the fear that he will fail again in building the
tower. Fear obstructed his way to freedom of thought! Fear of failure, fear of
rejection, fear to commit mistakes, fear of the truth! Similar situations
happen with us all the time. Children make mistakes, fail often. Sometimes we
encourage them so that they learn from their mistakes. Sometimes we scold them,
judge them. As being a Mother and a Pediatrician, I think teaching them that Failure
is not opposite of Success, it’s a part of it. It’s not how far you fall, but
how high you bounce back that counts. That is Resilience. When resilient
kids step into a situation, they have a sense they can figure out what they
need to do & with confidence, can handle what is thrown at them. This doesn’t
mean that kids have to do everything on their own. Rather, they know how to ask
for help & can solve problems step by step.
Our Culture nowadays, is to make our kids comfortable.
The idea of putting our children through the same pain as we went through, is just
intolerable. So we, as Parents, try to protect our kids & shield them from
worst case scenarios. Overprotecting children breeds anxiety in them. Instead we
can help them build resilience through
1. Not accommodating their every need and thus, let the child develop
capacities of problem solving. With each fall, stop rushing ourselves to
comfort him unless it’s a grave injury. Children needs an audience to react. So
avoid making mountains out of mole, in this case catering to their attention.
2. Avoid eliminating all risks. Giving age appropriate freedom helps
them learn their limits. The key is to allow appropriate risks and teach our
children essential skills. Practice Supervised Neglect.
3. Teaching concrete skills. Concrete thinking is reasoning that’s
based on what you see, hear, feel and experience in the here & now. Its reasoning
that focuses on physical objects, immediate experiences and exact
interpretation. It’s basically logical thinking, allowing the child to reason,
know facts, find solutions. So whenever you need to talk or correct a child,
always think- where are we going with this situation? What skill do they need
to get?
4. Teaching them to solve problems. Engage children in figuring out
how they can handle challenges. Give them opportunities, over & over, to
figure out what works and what doesn’t. Help them figure out how to navigate
the feeling of anxiety and nervousness while learning or trying something new. Brainstorm
ideas to overcome that.
5. Avoid ‘why’ questions. It doesn’t solve problems. Try ‘how’
questions to fix the problem.
6. Don’t provide all the answers. Start using ‘I don’t know’ followed
by problem solving. This helps to learn to tolerate uncertainty and think about
ways to deal with potential challenges.
7. Avoid talking in catastrophic terms. Pay attention to what you say
to your children and around them. Anxious parents can bring up anxious
children.
8. Letting children make mistakes. It helps them to learn to fix slip ups
and make informed decision next time. Don’t expect perfectionism from them.
9. Help them manage emotions. Children learn very quickly which
powerful emotions can get them what they want. Parents have to learn how to
ride the emotions too. Self-regulation can be taught by being a model ourselves.
10. Modelling adaptability. Children learn maximum by observing the
parents. When we commit a mistake, admit it and apologize. When we are angry,
try calming down techniques before talking further.
Resiliency helps
children navigate the inevitable trials, triumphs & tribulations of
childhood and adolescence. Over time, they
become more able to cope with life’s obstacles and hardships, both physically
and mentally. Resilient children become resilient adults and thrive
better in the face of life’s unavoidable stressors.
Dr. Jil Shah (MD Pediatrics)
AROHA Hospitals
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